Saturday, September 30, 2006

"Jack-O" review

Jack-O (1995)

Directed by Steve Latshaw
Writing credits Brad Linaweaver Patrick Moran

Linnea Quigley .... Carolyn Miller
Maddisen K. Krown .... Linda Kelly (as Rebecca Wicks)
Gary Doles .... David Kelly
Ryan Latshaw .... Sean/David Kelly
Patrick Moran.... Jack-O-Lantern

I bought this video for three bucks. My brother had told me about this one because he had actually met Jack-O. Yes, the dude in the pumpkin mask. B-movie giants walk amongst us. I had to behold the cinematic genius that was "Jack-O" so I could live vicariously through my brother.

I can honestly say that "Jack-O" went exactly like I thought it would. There was not one thing that surprised me about this flick. Well, that's not completely true. I was surprised to see Linnea Quigley in this one. And everybody can relax, she does take a shower. Quigley and showers. Peanut butter and Jelly. So Jack-O comes back from the dead to kill a stoic boy for some reason or another. You'd think that the kid would get a little emotional about a pumpkin man trying to carve him up. Would a scream kill him now and then? Anyway, Quigley babysits him and Pumpkinhead trashes the party. "Jack-O" follows the B-movie playbook step by step. Blood, breasts, bad acting, repeat. If you're a B-movie fan, you'll find something to like.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Jack-O's at work

"Deathwatch" review

Deathwatch (2002)

Directed by Michael J. Bassett
Writing credits Michael J. Bassett

Jamie Bell.... Pfc. Charlie Shakespeare
Rúaidhrí Conroy.... Pvt. Colin Chevasse
Mike Downey.... Martin Plummer

Rain and mud. These are the two things "Deathwatch" does well. Boy, did it rain a lot. Man, was that trench muddy. I recently watched "The Bunker" which was very similar to "Deathwatch" with the exception of two things. Can you guess what those two things are?

"Deathwatch" has a bunch of British soldiers hanging out in a very wet and muddy trench. World War I is raging all around them and a mud filled trench is better than the battlefield. Soon the soldiers will realize that there is an unknown enemy in their midst. Or maybe it's all in their minds. Maybe the never-ending rain has clogged their brains. Only the bravest and driest soldiers will make it out of the mud.

War/horror movies don't work. There is more than enough horror in war. You don't need to throw in any supernatural elements. I was more scared of the soldier with the spiked club than I was of anything the evil muddy trench had to spit out at them. While "Deathwatch" is a better "Stranded soldiers going insane" flick than "The Bunker", I would still pass on both of them. There's not much here for either a war or a horror movie fan. However, if you like seeing soldiers scream and yell in a muddy trench, rent "Deathwatch" immediately.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 very muddy trenches

Thursday, September 28, 2006

"Man on Fire" review

Man on Fire (2004)

Directed by Tony Scott
Writing credits Brian Helgeland

Denzel Washington .... Creasy
Dakota Fanning .... Pita
Marc Anthony .... Samuel
Radha Mitchell .... Lisa

I saw "Man on Fire" in a pretty cool theater in Atlanta, Ga. It was back when it was the Madstone theater at Parkside. I don't mind telling you that I love that theater. I'm not afraid to say it. I love you Parkside! It had had some extensive remodeling since the last time I visited. It used to be a run down theater. Now it's a half mainstream and half art movie theater. It's still kind of run down but therein lies its charm. They have chess boards in the lobby and sell beer at the concession stand. I bought a Hoegaarden and plopped down into my seat. By the end of the movie, I was ready to cry foul and throw my beer bottle at the screen. Oh well. It wasn't Parkside's fault. It did all it could.

"Man on Fire" is about revenge and teddy bears. Cute little Dakota talks to her bear/ protector and names it after Creasy, (Denzel Washington). Creasy the big sad bear has to look after Dakota as she goes to school in Mexico City. Creasy becomes enraged when bad men wake him up out of hibernation and make him become a killer again. His little Dakota is gone. Dakota's mom hands Creasy her teddy bear and tells him to kill them all. The teddy bear is the symbol of death. It's stuffed with fluff and ready to blow.

If Denzel Washington wasn't in this movie, "Man on Fire" would be just another run of the mill revenge flick. He is the only reason I would give this movie a passing grade. Dakota was good too in her own insufferably cute way. But this flick betrays itself at the end. I won't ruin the ending but let's just say Hollywood screws it up again. Someone thought a brutal revenge flick should have a semblance of a happy ending. My eyes were rolling and I was ready to smash my beer bottle against the screen. I'd like to say that all the violence made up for the ending but the movie was so heavily stylized I wasn't sure what the heck was going on half the time. The editing room must have been hit by an earthquake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 teddy bears of death

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

"Daughter of Darkness" review

Daughter of Darkness (1993)
AKA Mie men can an zhi nie sha

Directed by Kai Ming Lai
Writing credits Kai Ming Lai

Lily Chung.... Mak Wei-Fong
Ka-Kui Ho.... Wei-Fong's Father
Money Lo.... Dong Huan
Hugo Ng.... Kin

This is the third movie I've seen with Ming Ming, (Lily Chung), from "Red to Kill". My God she never disappoints. Once again she plays the shy, sweet, innocent girl who gets the boot slammed upside her head. What is it about this girl that drives men mad with lust and violence? I don't know but I like it. The DVD cover has a picture of her standing naked with her hands tied together. There are blood spots covering her private areas. This is not blood on her body mind you, but blood spots the filmmakers decided to use for the DVD cover. That way they're blocking your view of the sweet spots yet drawing you in like a bull to a flapping red cape. Charge!

There are two parts to this flick. The first part is a goofy comedy. I use the word "comedy" loosely. The movie thought it was being funny but I wasn't laughing. Or smiling. In fact, I was worried this movie was going to break my heart. The cops stumble upon a murdered family. The head goofball cop does a lot of supposed funny things. He poses with the corpses, peeps on Ming Ming and basically just acts stupid. I was concerned. The second part of the movie is sleaze-o-rama. It flashbacks on why this family was murdered. The title of this flick is "Daughter of Darkness" but I think a more appropriate title would have been "Father of Darkness" or maybe "Family of Darkness". The sleaze pours out. Ming Ming gets smacked around and sexually abused by her family. She also has plenty of sex with her boyfriend. Why the movie needed to flashback on boyfriend sex is unknown but appreciated. The family murder scene is a four star buffet of carnage. This DVD is worth getting for the out of control slaughter at the end.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 poor Lilys getting the boot again

Sunday, September 24, 2006

"Visions of Passion" review

Visions of Passion (2003)

Directed by Randall St. George
Writing credits Felicia Conrad

Mia Zottoli.... Jeanie (as Ava Lake)
Regina Russell.... Alice
Natalie Moore.... Lucy

I saw this on cable the other night. The best thing about "Visions of Passion" is Mia Zottoli, AKA Ava Lake. Her "Biker Chick Night" scene was the highlight of the movie. She was a short haired brunette throughout the movie but for this scene she had long, black hair. She asked the guy, "Why are my clothes still on?". My thoughts exactly. She then proceeds to rip off her biker leather and get down to business. This scene was excellent. Another Zottoli triumph.

The rest of "Visions of Passion" was disappointing. So Mia films people from her Rear Window. She catches one of her neighbors in bed with a senator. This leads to much yawning. Regina Russell is the neighbor that Ava was filming. Russell does nothing for me. She looks like she is bored out of her mind during the sex scenes. In a key scene, Russell makes her move for Mia. It works and they tumble into bed. Ava tries to get her excited about the project but Russell looks like she couldn't care less. All of the other sex scenes with the exception of "Biker Chick Night" were lacking. You'll probably have better visions of passion somewhere else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 visions of Mia

Saturday, September 23, 2006

"Monsturd" review

Monsturd (2003)

Directed by Rick Popko Dan West
Writing credits Rick Popko Dan West

Paul Weiner .... Sheriff Duncan
Beth West .... Agent Hannigan
Dan Burr .... Dr. Stern
Brad Dosland .... Jack Schmidt
Dan West .... Deputy Dan
Rick Popko .... Deputy Rick
Lisa Rein .... Rachel

There's no hope for me. I saw the video box cover of "Monsturd" and leapt at it. There was a slimy hand coming out of the sewer reaching for a pair of legs. I couldn't rent it fast enough. Not only did I rent this movie, I was drooling at the mere prospect of seeing what a monster made of feces could do.

So a guy escapes from prison, falls into the sewer and dies. His DNA combines with the waste to make him the Monsturd. What can one really say about a movie with a monster made of crap? I think the title says it all. I can't hate this movie since it never once took itself seriously. Yet it's still pretty bad. But if you rent a movie called "Monsturd", you're going to get what you deserve.

On the plus side, there were a few gross-out scenes. Maggots and puking. These two elements will always make the stomach a little queasy. But on the negative side, "Monsturd" was not that funny. The acting is about what you'd expect from a movie like this. Meaning it wasn't that good. But I think the most helpful thing I can tell you about this movie is that it's called "Monsturd". If that title excites you, I say go for it.

One last thought, I found myself strangely attracted to the thin woman who tells her husband to clean the toilet. I think it was the sound of her voice combined with the way she was threatening him with the knife that turned me on. She was more attractive than the lead FBI agent. At least I got something nice out of "Monsturd".

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 strangely attractive bossy women

Friday, September 22, 2006

"Slash" review

Slash (2002)

Directed by Neal Sundstrom
Writing credits Stephen Ronald Francis Gus Silber

Adam Woolf.... Young Mac
Danny Keogh.... Jethro
Milan Murray.... Karen
Guy Raphaely.... Ray

What is it about killer scarecrows? They seem to be dominating the straight to video horror scene right now. I recently saw "Scarecrow Gone Wild" and have my eye on "Dark Harvest". Maybe I'm answering my own question. There always seems to be room for one more scarecrow flick. You want to star in a horror flick? Start lining up now. Stuff your body full of straw, sharpen up your favorite scythe, ask the Wizard for a brain and fill out an application.

"Slash" has a scarecrow going bonkers over a visiting rock band. Some obnoxious punk comes home with his band to visit the family farm and ends up getting stuck there. They landed there just in time because the scarecrow wants to make mincemeat out of them for his harvest of blood. A Blood Harvest eh? Hmmmm… "Blood Harvest" could be the title of the next killer scarecrow bonanza. I'm sure I'd get around to seeing it sooner or later.

"Slash" is OK. It's worth a look. Scarecrow, cornfield, blood etc.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazy Scarecrows in search of blood (and brains)

Sunday, September 17, 2006

"Bikini Airways" review

Bikini Airways (2003)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray

Regina Russell.... Terri
Brad Bartram.... Gary
Jay Richardson.... Captain Sam
Sam Silver.... Dave
Belinda Gavin.... Vicki (as Kylie Biscayne)
Loni Lynn.... Traci
Amy Lindsay.... Pam (as Julie Snow)

Welcome to Bikini Airways! We'll be traveling at 69,000 feet today. You may see us flying past cloud 69 as well. If you look down the aisle, you may also see the number 69 in action. We are cruising to Miami today so that this guy can get married. But before he gets married, we are going to throw one heck of a bachelor party for him. You see, our boss, (Regina Russell), inherited this airline. It was going nowhere fast. So in a fit of business genius, she decided to charter her plane to a rich guy for his bachelor party. Luckily for her, she had three entertainers/strippers/bimbos in bikinis working for her. These girls are ready to party down. The guy paid $25,000 for the flight and the girls will earn every penny.

Your money will also be well spent if you decide to fly "Bikini Airways". It takes off fairly regularly from various late night cable channels. Although there are a few funny parts, don't be fooled into thinking that this is a comedy. "Bikini Airways" is softcore porn. If you're giggling during the sex scenes, something is very wrong. But if you're looking to fly to that red eye in the sky, hop on "Bikini Airways".

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Belindas in bikinis

"Skinner" review

Skinner (1995)

Directed by Ivan Nagy
Writing credits Paul Hart-Wilden

Ted Raimi.... Dennis Skinner
Ricki Lake.... Kerry Tate
David Warshofsky.... Geoff Tate
Richard Schiff.... Eddie
Traci Lords.... Heidi

I bought this video for four bucks. Ricki Lake rents out a room to a maniac. He's Skinner. Dennis Skinner. Skinner likes to wander from town to town, flaying whomever he can find. He likes to hang out in a heavily vandalized part of town where the hookers hang out. If a hooker meets Skinner, it's flaying time. One of his old victims, (Traci Lords), is hunting him down. She wants revenge for the partial skinning from Skinner. Get the knives ready.

"Skinner" made me think about the Superintendent yelling at Principal Skinner on "The Simpsons". SKINNNNNERRR!!!! I couldn't help but laugh every time they said his name. "Where's Skinner?" SKINNNNERRR!!! Get down here! Traci Lords shows up as an obsessive, would-be victim of SKINNNNERRR! Unfortunately, she does not get naked. However, I still like to see porno stars in regular flicks. It amuses me. I especially liked the scene where Lords shows Lake's husband her serial killer war wound. That was a serious scalping job.

"Skinner" has the right psychotic mind-set for a maniac with big knives movie. Skinner is a first class psycho who likes to skin his female victims. There's one scene in the middle which has an extensive, gory lesson in the art of flaying. Overall, "Skinner" is worth a look for horror fans.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Traci's in trouble from SKINNNNERRR!

Finally, an excuse to put up some Traci Lords pics. Finally! Who knows when I'll get another chance? Hmmmm...How about...right now! Here are some more pics to keep you, (and me), happy.

"Ms. 45" review

Ms. 45 (1981)

Directed by Abel Ferrara
Writing credits Nicholas St. John

Zoë Lund .... Thana (as Zoë Tamerlis)
Albert Sinkys .... Albert
Darlene Stuto .... Laurie
Helen McGara .... Carol

First of all, a few words need to be said about Zoe Lund, (Ms. 45). She's hot! She looks great in every scene. Why would they ever consider banning smoking from movies? I had to rewind the scene with her in the car with the Arab just to watch her smoke again. She had beautiful eyes with big pouty lips... Sigh. That needed to be said. I feel better now.

Anyway, I was impressed with how quickly Ms. 45 learned how to shoot a gun. Her bloodlust was insatiable. Men had to pay for their manliness. Pimps, rapists, men. It's all the same thing for Ms. 45.She did jump on the murder bandwagon rather quickly. I suppose her two rapes were the catalyst but it still seemed like a massive mood swing from meek girl to mafia hitwoman.

A girl and a gun. Once again proof positive it's all you need for a movie. I liked it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Zoes making sure men pay for being men

"Blonde Heaven" review

Blonde Heaven (1995)
AKA Morgana

Directed by David DeCoteau
Writing credits Kenneth J. Hall Mark Millenko

Julie Strain.... Illyana
Raelyn Saalman.... Angie
Michelle Bauer.... Amanda Blackwell
Joe Estevez.... Carl Bibbs
Alton Butler.... Kyle

I bought this video for two bucks. I've been looking for this one for awhile. All I knew about "Blonde Heaven" is that it had Julie Strain and Michelle Bauer working at an escort agency. That's all I needed to know. I ran into this one by accident because the title on the video box is "Morgana". The filmmakers probably realized that neither Strain nor Bauer are blonde and changing the title to "Brunette Heaven" just didn't have a good ring to it.

"Blonde Heaven" has Strain working as the madam for a vampire modeling agency in L.A. Right off the bat, I'm intrigued by this film. Strain gets naked numerous times and wears her mighty black jack boots. Oh mama. That's the good stuff. Strain is looking mighty fine in this one. Bauer shows up as a vampire hooker and has a long sex scene with the president of her fan club. Bauer always treats the fans right.

Besides Strain and Bauer doing their thing, "Blonde Heaven" is pretty lame. The main character is your typical naive Midwestern girl who comes to Hollywood and gets seduced by Strain and friends. Hey, can you blame her? Her big lunkheaded boyfriend comes a-calling and decides to rip off his shirt in order to free her from the vampires. Strain should've offered him a job to calm him down. Hunks-R-us or something. Strain decides to strike back and many lame fight scenes follow.

If you're a die hard Strain and/or Bauer fan, "Blonde Heaven" is worth a look. If those two B-queens don't do it for you, skip it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 brunette B-queens in blonde heaven

Saturday, September 16, 2006

"Madman" review

Madman (1982)

Directed by Joe Giannone
Writing credits Joe Giannone

Gaylen Ross.... Betsy (as Alexis Dubin)
Tony Fish.... T.P.
Jan Claire.... Ellie
Harriet Bass.... Stacy
Seth Jones.... Dave

Every part of my being is telling me I should like this movie. All the pieces are there for a good time in slasher movie land. There is a madman with an ax, a summer camp full of idiots, stalking and slashing galore, but I just can't give into its charm. Even by slasher movie standards, the acting is unbelievably terrible. I mean horrendous. Every person at this camp was a blank slate. I couldn't wait for them all to get killed. Madman, take them away.

I think it was the scene in the hot tub that blew me away. Bug eyed Betsy and a guy who looks exactly like Chris Kattan are in a hot tub, twirling around it in slow motion while some puke inducing love song is playing. ARRGH! Where's the Madman when I need him?

The rest of the movie was no better. So the Madman is loose and wants to kill. There were some interesting kills. I like the hood of the car kill. But I despised all the actors so I was rooting for the Madman to end the movie. Just like a porno movie, you know exactly how it's going to play out. Normally I appreciate the predictability of slasher flicks, but this time I was disconnected from the movie by the 15 minute mark and was begging for it to end.

One last thought, how does this 300 pound oaf of a Madman sneak up on everybody?

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 madmen who love axes

NOTE: The picture above is not from the movie. If you don't know what movie it's from, rent all of Stanley Kubrick's flicks until you find it. It'll be a much better use of time than watching this "Madman".

"Decadent Evil" review

Decadent Evil (2005)

Directed by Charles Band
Writing credits Charles Band Domonic Muir

Phil Fondacaro ... Ivan
April Gilbert .... Tami
Raelyn Hennessee .... Spyce
Daniel Lennox .... Dex
Debra Mayer .... Morella
Jill Michelle .... Sugar

So there are two "naughty and nice" strippers, (named Sugar and Spyce), that are actually vampire strippers. The brunette is Spyce and the blond is Sugar. They live with their master vampire in a big house where they bring back people to feast on. They also keep one of the master vampire's old lovers in a bird cage. Apparently she felt the urge to turn him into a little red-faced doll for being such a heart-breaking man. That'll show him. A vampire slayer shows up to put an end to all of this decadent evil.

You need two key elements to make a successful vampire stripper movie: Vampires and Strippers. "Decadent Evil" gets the vampire part right but it neglects the strippers. There is one stripper scene at the beginning but the red and blue filtered lighting makes it hard to see what is going on. The two "naughty and nice" strippers were far too nice for my tastes. Neither one of them strips or otherwise gets naked which really destroys their stripper credibility. There is one great B-movie scene where the little doll gets out of his cage and finds a naked woman tied to a bed. I won't ruin what happens next but let's just say being cooped up in his birdcage has left him a very horny doll. There's also a weird and demented doll loving ending to finish off the flick.

Basically, "Decadent Evil" is a wannabe sleaze flick. It had all the right B-movie elements but it doesn't exploit them nearly enough. The movie is over before you know it and you'll have a tough time remembering what you just saw. If it had a couple of more sleaze scenes, I would give it a passing grade. But since it couldn't afford to party like it should, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 decadent dolls

Friday, September 15, 2006

"Timeline" review

Timeline (2003)

Directed by Richard Donner
Writing credits Jeff Maguire

Paul Walker .... Chris Johnston
Frances O'Connor .... Kate Ericson
Gerard Butler .... André Marek
Billy Connolly .... Prof. E.A. Johnston
David Thewlis .... Robert Doniger

You ever get that sinking feeling? That "not so fresh" feeling? You know, that feeling that washes over you about halfway through a mediocre movie? That feeling of unnamable dread that tells you nothing interesting is going to happen for the rest of the flick? That the movie has peaked in the first twenty minutes? I hate that feeling. That is what you will feel if you go see "Timeline".

A professor gets stuck back in time. His students hop in a hall of mirrors time machine to go and get him. They land in the middle of a war between the English and the French. Knight's attack, catapults catapult, and arrows fly through the air. Adventure, excitement etc.

The big question with "Timeline" is this: Why? Why was this movie made? What was the point? The time travel angle is completely meaningless. The filmmakers don't do one interesting thing with it. The time travel effects were non-existent as well. Couldn't they have at least shown some vague interest in visualizing what would happen to a human body if you "faxed" it through a wormhole? No, that would have required imagination. "Timeline" will have none of that.

I would go 2 out of 4 on this one. The good news is that there is a large battle scene at the end which saves the movie. As a medieval battle movie, it's decent. But as a time travel adventure, it's pointless. It had no interesting ideas at all.

I mean, couldn't a knight have picked up a medallion and been zapped into the future? Couldn't the students have brought an Uzi with them to slay many knights? Anything? Hello? Yes? No? Does anybody care?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 time traveling for dummies

Thursday, September 14, 2006

"Bad Girls Dormitory" review

Bad Girls Dormitory (1986)

Directed by Tim Kincaid
Writing credits Tim Kincaid

Carey Zuris.... Lori
Teresa Farley .... Marina
Natalie O'Connell .... Paige
Rick Gianasi .... Don Beach
Marita .... Miss Madison

I bought this video for four bucks. "Bad Girls Dormitory" is a beautiful slice of 80's sleaze. It starts off with a girl walking through Times Square to a photo shoot. She passes a theater which has "Bubblegum Girls" and "Teen Strippers" up on the marquee. I could feel the sleaze washing over me and making me feel dirty for watching this Times Square time capsule. "Bad Girls Dormitory" looks like it was made for the denizens of New York back when Times Square was the center of exploitation flicks. It was a fine time.

So there are a lot of bad girls in a dormitory. The neglectful warden turns the other way as the prisoners are beaten, raped and generally abused. Every prisoner is given a white t-shirt. It's the standard uniform for bad girls. It's easier to see what they may be hiding under their shirts. You know, like guns, knives, breasts. Soon the abuse will cause the girls to run riot and put some shotguns to good use.

"Bad Girls Dormitory" is a fine woman's prison flick. The girls all get naked numerous times and there is plenty of violence to keep everyone happy. Of course, these women are not the prettiest in the world. They look like they could belong in a prison. They've all got that big puffy 80's hairstyle. Big hair for bad girls. But when they're this bad, who really cares?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad girls showering in a bad girls dormitory

"Lessons in Love" review

Lessons in Love (2004)
AKA Touch me Tonight 3: Lessons in Love

Directed by Raven Gregory
Writing credits Alicia Franklyn

Beverly Lynne .... Carol
Glen Meadows .... Jackson
Mark Weiler .... Josh (as Matt Wilde)
Akira Lane .... Dina

I saw this on cable the other night. Beverly Lynne is a photographer in a lot of trouble. She may have inadvertently taken a picture of a girl getting kidnapped. She needs help. Who does she call? Jackson. Her ex is a nice enough guy who wants to help her with her kidnapping and lack of sex problems. Lynne is more than happy to have Jackson back in her sex life. That's good for Lynne but a fatality for the viewers.

Fidelity in a skin flick is a terrible thing. There is far too much Jackson action happening here. Lynne has sex with Jackson three times! That might be a sign of a healthy relationship but it's a dysfunctional train wreck for a late night porn flick. Lynne didn't even have time to fool around with busty Akira Lane! Now that makes no sense. Her assistant was craving Lynne but she had her sights set on Jackson. Well, at least I thought Akira was craving Lynne. Maybe it was only in my fantasies. Oh Jackson. Why did you have to come along and overstay your welcome?

"Lessons in Love" is pathetic. The sex scenes are monotonous and dull. Or is that monogamous and dull? Also, Beverly Lynne needs to let her hair grow out again. The short buzz cut is not working for her at all. She was hot in "Bikini a go go" but since then it's been mostly misfires. Overall, "Lessons in Love" needs to be avoided. This is one late night lesson you can skip.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 loyal Lynnes

Now THAT is a great picture of Beverly Lynne. That's the killer look. Long blonde hair works for her. Unfortunately, "Lessons in Love" had her with short hair and too much Jackson action. Jackson may have gone wild for the buzz cut but I'll stick to long haired Lynne.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

"Creep" review

Creep (1995)

Directed by Tim Ritter
Writing credits Tim Ritter

Kathy Willets.... Kascha Lords
Joel D. Wynkoop.... Angus Lynch
Tom Karr .... David Ketchum
Patricia Paul .... Jackie Ketchum

I bought this one from a video store in Jupiter, Florida. The store was having an inventory reduction sale. I bought "Creep" along with a handful of other movies for about thirty bucks. The guy behind the counter looked at "Creep" and then looked at me and said, "You know the story behind this movie?" No, I said, what's the scoop? "You see the lady on the cover with the huge knockers? She was busted for prostitution back in the 90's. It was a famous case in Florida. Somehow [director] Tim Ritter got her to be in his movie. Yeah, Ritter lives around here. He's from Jupiter." Wow, I said, I didn't know that this was a locally made movie. I looked at the video box cover again and saw a bleached blonde with huge knockers getting strangled from behind by some drooling lunatic. As if that image wasn't enough to get me excited, now I had the full back story on this B-flick to get my heart pumping. I was ready for some "Creep".

So my brother pops over the other day and we decide to give "Creep" a whirl. "Creep" is the story of Angus the nutbag and his desire to kill people. Angus goes to visit his sister who happens to be a stripper. She was the woman on the cover, (Kathy Willets), that the guy in the video store was talking about. She looked good to me although my brother was less impressed. "Oh God, she's hideous! Don't fall for the fake breasts! Any of the other women in the movie were better looking!"

So Angus kills people while Willets and her large, fantastic, fake breasts bounce in your face. Some other women get naked as well. "Creep" is truly for the die hard B-sleaze lover. Any normal moviegoer would have a heart attack watching it. It was shot on video and looks cheap and tacky. I would give it a 2 out of 4 only because of plentiful fake breasts and blood. If you're a B-fiend, you should check it out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 creeping Kathys

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

"Slashers" review

Slashers (2001)

Directed by Maurice Devereaux
Writing credits Maurice Devereaux

Sarah Joslyn Crowder .... Megan Lowry
Kieran Keller .... Michael Gibbons
Tony Curtis Blondell .... Devon White
Sofia de Medeiros .... Brenda Thompson
Jerry Sprio .... Rick Fisher
Neil Napier .... Chainsaw Charlie and Preacherman

I bought this video for three bucks. "Slashers" is a melding of "The Running Man" and all of those insane Japanese game shows. Six knuckleheads are let loose in the TV studio's maze and three colorful psychos chase after them. Last one standing wins the prize. Run lawyer, run.

Well, the first thing that strikes me about this one is how unbelievably annoying the law student was. She had a permanent scowl on her face. She kept getting her shirt ripped off but decided to hide her breasts. She exposes them to the viewers once in a fit of pure rage. "HEEEEERREEE!! Here they are!!!" Believe me when I tell you that her breasts weren't worth getting that emotional about. HEEEEERREEE!! Here's your shirt back! I was also very sad that the "actress" of the group never got topless and she was walking around in her bra through most of the show.

So the contestants work their way through the maze and are picked off by the psychos. "Slashers" has a cool concept that is almost sunk by its ultra low budget. "Slashers" is shot on video and looks super cheap. However, they do manage to stage some interesting kills and aren't shy with the blood and guts. I also enjoyed the beginning montage segment with the host singing the "Slashers" song. Overall, "Slashers" is worth a look for B-movie fans.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 very reluctant topless victims

Slash-ers! Slash-ers!