Sunday, December 21, 2008

"Super Ninja Doll" review

Super Ninja Doll (2007)

AKA Super Ninja Bikini Babes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Cyrus Nickleby

Christine Nguyen... Eriko / Super Ninja Doll
Nicole Sheridan... Tantella
Beverly Lynne... Marsha
Voodoo... Jim (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren... Megan
Evan Stone... Gorath
Kitty... Yumi (as Kitty Katzu)

Two diabolical porn stars want to invade Earth so that they can have lots of sex. Super Ninja Doll to the rescue! A galactic storm is all the excuse they need to break into our dimension so that they can unleash their nefarious plans. Christine Nguyen is the hot schoolgirl, (wearing a short skirt and pigtails just in case we forget she's supposed to be a schoolgirl), who obsesses over her Super Ninja Doll comic book. The evildoers unleash their cosmic power upon her comic so that they can spring to life.

"Super Ninja Doll" tries to emulate a typical anime by having their main character look and act like a horny geek who loves sex and violence soaked comic books, (or manga if you want to get exact). Unfortunately these movies are on the soft side and couldn't possibly compare to a real anime. So then you're stuck with the usual Fred Olen Ray cast of characters going through the sex flick motions while taking post coital breaks acting as geeky as possible.

Nicole Sheridan's henchman, (Evan Stone), is dressed like a sex crazed lego hulk.He needs to recharge his galactic gonads by having sex with any available female. There are three sex scenes with the lego hulk and they're all ridiculously terrible. There's just something unappealing about watching a guy with lego's on his body dry humping women. Some men like to keep their boots on while going at it. Other guys just can't let go of their legos.

Another fetish in anime is to show off the Asian schoolgirls and their white panties. "Super Ninja Doll" doesn't disappoint in this area as we get to see Christine flash her industrial strength panties at us on numerous occasions.This panty obsession leads to one of the few good sex scenes as Christine and another schoolgirl have sex on some desks. There was a lot of kissing on the desks which we all know is the key to a good lesbian sex scene. I just wish Christine's friend, (Kitty), didn't have such a child's body, (no breasts at all), but I suppose that's exactly why she was picked.

While I can give "Super Ninja Doll" some points for trying to be creative, we all know that these movies come down to the sex scenes and this doll is defective. There are only two decent sex scenes in the movie. Besides Christine's party on the desks, there's a three way with her, Beverly Lynne and Beverly's boyfriend which is pretty good. All of the other sex scenes are lacking.

So if you really need to see a ninja doll do battle with lego wearing porn stars, you can probably catch it on late night cable. But if you're looking for a solid softcore flick, "Super Ninja Doll" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad ninja dolls

Sunday, December 14, 2008

"Hell Ride" review

Hell Ride (2008)

Director: Larry Bishop
Writer: Larry Bishop

Larry Bishop ... Pistolero
Michael Madsen ... The Gent
Eric Balfour ... Comanche / Bix
Vinnie Jones ... Billy Wings
Leonor Varela ... Nada
Michael Beach ... Goody Two-Shoes
Laura Cayouette ... Dani
Julia Jones ... Cherokee Kisum

Pistolero, (Larry Bishop), wants revenge. Many years ago a beautiful woman was murdered by a rival motorcycle gang and he has vowed to track them down. There are plenty of topless women hanging around to help pass the time until their eventual showdown. Through a convoluted series of double crosses, Pistolero weeds out the traitors in his gang so that he and Michael Madsen can blow away their rival scumbags in peace. Blood, beer and babes. The three B's of bikers are in full effect.
Although I consider myself a student of exploitation movies, one genre I never really got into was the motorcycle gang movie. I assume the appeal is to watch guys act tough, curse, beat each other over the head and then carry a topless babe back to the bedroom. But what if you know they're just pretending to be tough guys? I'm watching "Hell Ride" thinking how these guys must have found a sucker to bankroll their movie so they could live out their fantasies of riding bikes through the desert while hard bodied women do their every bidding. Not a bad job if you can get it but it doesn't make for much of a movie.

But if you really want to understand why this pointless movie exists, one has to look no further than the credit that blares over the title: "Quentin Tarantino presents". "Hell Ride" tries to keep the momentum going from "Grindhouse" but writer/director/star Larry Bishop is no Tarantino. However, one must give credit where it's due. It takes a real man to write scenes where he gets to roll around with three naked women and have every female drooling over his biker body. Clearly, it's good to have friends in high places as they will make your fantasies come true but can't guarantee that anyone else will want to watch them.

"Hell Ride" is a mid-life crisis masquerading as a movie. It certainly has some pleasing B-movie elements but it reeks too much of a vanity project to be taken seriously. But if you live for motorcycle gang flicks, you might want to check it out as I don't think we'll be seeing any more of these movies anytime soon. It clocks in at 85 minutes so it won't drain too much of your life away. And don't worry about getting any permanent mental scars as "Hell Ride" is instantly forgettable. It's fading away into the sunset even now...Vroom, vroom, vroooooom....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad motor scooters

Saturday, December 13, 2008

"Feast II: Sloppy Seconds" review

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Jenny Wade ... Honey Pie
Clu Gulager ... Bartender
Diane Goldner ... Biker Queen
Martin Klebba ... Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ... Slasher
Tom Gulager ... Greg
Hanna Putnam ... Secrets

I headed over to Burbank to watch "Feast II". My friend had spotted it in my Netflix queue and wanted to get in on the action. I'm all for sharing the B-movie experience as many a movie has been saved by having someone else there to yell at the screen. This had to be a classic Burbank experience so we had to have some Chipoltle first. Remember, real men eat burrito bowls before watching monster movies. If the movie stinks, at least you get some quality dinner first.

After a fine chicken burrito bowl experience, we headed back to my friend's apartment. His roommate and a big, black dog also wanted to indulge in some B-monster mayhem. The more the merrier. So with the help of a large shot of Jameson's and some beer we settled in to watch "Feast II". The monsters from the first "Feast" are back and they're silly. This time they are running amok inside a town. Another group of misfits band together to try to out smart the beasts. That'll be tough since the monsters seem to have more brains than any of them. There's another girl who traps herself in a store and then tries to break out again and again for no apparent reason. Then there's a guy hiding in a jail, some other people get killed and ahh who cares?

"Feast II" is not as nearly as much fun as it should have been. It's got midget wrestlers, catapults, topless motorcycle babes, and tons of blood, puss, and general monster fluids flying everywhere. But I'm watching this freak show and wondering what the point of all this mayhem is. Of course, there is no point other than to indulge the filmmakers desire to be as goofy as they want to be. The filmmakers of a superior monster movie have insisted on making their sequel so mind numbingly pointless that it's near impossible to enjoy the mishmash of B-movie elements being hurled at the screen.

But the real letdown with "Feast II" is that they are so preoccupied with being as juvenile as possible that they forgot that they were making a monster movie. There is nothing scary about "Feast II". The monsters are an afterthought as one ridiculous scene rolls into another. There is an extended monster autopsy scene which captures the moronic heart and soul of this movie. As one idiot dissects the beast, monster fluids keep spraying on the people gathered around the corpse. This scene drags on so that everybody gets a good soaking. What's the point you ask? It's hilarious of course! Aren't you laughing at all the monster guts being tossed around? I hope you were because I wasn't.

I was waiting for a horror movie to start but it never did. The first "Feast" movie was a great monster flick with plenty of blood and guts to keep everyone happy. "Feast II" lets the filmmakers off the chain so that they can make the most haphazard B-flick they can dream up. It's a collection of exploitation scenes held together by horny midgets and angry biker chicks.

So if you love flicks with midget wrestlers who hang out with tattooed biker women, look no further. But if you really liked the first "Feast" and its endless monster carnage, you'll be let down by this aimless exercise in B-movie excess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sloppy feasts

Saturday, December 06, 2008

"Gutterballs" review

Gutterballs (2008)

Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writer: Ryan Nicholson

Alastair Gamble ... Steve
Mihola Terzic ... Sarah
Candice Lewald ... Lisa
Nathan Dashwood ... AJ
Danielle Munro ... Julia
Stephanie Schacter ... Cindy
Saraphina Bardeaux ... Hannah

I was sent this DVD screener. Two bowling teams converge on an all night bowl-o-rama to have a death match. One team is filled with the most annoying, foul-mouthed cretins that have ever disgraced a horror movie. The other team has an assortment of punks, skanks and cross dressers. The cretins decide to get revenge on one of the girls from the other team and gang bang her up in the game room. The next night they come back to play again only this time a mysterious killer known as BBK crashes their party. This leads to many gory deaths as the bowling masked killer puts these worthless jerks out of their misery.

"Gutterballs" is an attempt to be a very sleazy 80's style slasher movie. The 80's cheeseball style of filmmaking saturates this movie. Just so you know where the filmmakers heads are at, they have their vicious rape scene play out while Loverboy's "Turn Me Loose" mixes ever so delicately with her screams. I'm shocked they didn't choose "Lovin' Every Minute Of It". And no classic arcade games in the game room? Where was Pac-man? Dragon's Lair? Dig Dug? Gorf? You call this an 80's homage? After the gang bang, they should have driven home to watch "The A-Team" and then played Dungeons and Dragons all night. What a night of debauchery that would have been.

So as the losers keep bowling and cursing their brains out, a few find a way to separate from the pack so they can be viciously slaughtered. The bowling bag killer uses all the instruments of death that a bowling alley has to offer. All of the different ways a bowling pin can be used to penetrate the body are exploited with hedonistic abandon. People will squeal like a pig. And bleed like one too. As far as excessive gore, "Gutterballs" is not shy about spilling a few gallons of blood. I enjoyed all of the bloody payoff scenes. But I think I liked them more than usual because I was praying for these awful characters to die so I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore.

"Gutterballs" is a very obnoxious movie. The F-word was screamed more times in this movie than in "Scarface". I'm not one to care too much about language but this movie really started to grate my nerves. I'm talking "nails across the chalkboard" aggravate me. From the laughing hyena sidekick to the main scumbag who wanted his beer, I was praying for them to die a horrible death. Clearly, these characters were meant to be annoying morons but why make them so despicable that the viewer ends up begging for the movie to end?

That's a shame because I was really looking forward to watching this flick. I saw "Live Feed" from this director and had a blast watching it. It was very inventive in its depravity and had an interesting sleazy story. I figured that "Gutterballs" would follow along those same sleazy lines.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed in this one. I was hoping "Gutterballs" was going to be a fun, nasty slasher flick but it's not. There's nothing fun about this movie. It's definitely nasty but it's not fun. It becomes a chore to sit through as you listen to one moron after another find new excuses to say F--K. It should have been the F--KBB killer

"Gutterballs" is not a scary movie but it does try to shock you with it's many blood drenched kills. As a catalog of gory deaths, "Gutterballs" does deliver the blood and guts. There are also a few sex scenes as most of the women find a way to take their top off. But as a fun slasher flick, it's disappointing. You'll start hating the characters the second you see them strut in. When I started rooting for the BBK, that was a problem. When I started begging him to finish them off so the movie would end, that was a fatality.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Gutterballs

Dude, you cannot bring this negative energy into the tournament!