Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Black Devil Doll" review

Black Devil Doll (2007)

Director: Jonathan Lewis
Shawn Lewis Mitch Mayes

Heather Murphy ... Heather
Natasha Talonz ... Natasha
Christine Svendsen ... Candi
Erika Branich ... Buffy
Precious Cox ... Bambi
Martin Boone ... White-T

A murderer on death row gets reincarnated as a black puppet. The power of Heather Murphy's giant white floppy breasts have brought him back to life. He saw those milky white beauties and knew he had to come back from the dead for them. It isn't long before Heather falls for the jive talking puppet and commences on a forbidden love affair. But one white girl is not enough for the Black Devil Doll. Soon he will make plans to have all of Heather's buxom buddies over to his pad so he can show them the horny black puppet loving they've been missing.

"Black Devil Doll" is about hot interracial puppet sex. Never before has a film had the courage to show in explicit detail the tender love making between a black puppet and white girls with giant breasts. "Black Devil Doll" doesn't concern itself with petty things like plot or characterization. These are elements for lesser films to worry about. "Black Devil Doll" just wants to give you the most puppet banging for your buck.

While "Black Devil Doll" was made to be offensive with its outrageous stereotypes and white girl puppet loving, it's too ridiculous to be taken seriously. There is nothing offensive about a black puppet stalking white girls and then raping their dead bodies. Well, maybe there is something offensive there. But this is a sleazy exploitation movie so you should know what you're getting into before watching it.

Heather Murphy is the Devil Doll's mistress and she is every Devil Doll's dream. She is large in every shapely corner of her beautiful curvy body. My God, we need more natural beauties like her in horror films. When the Devil Doll gets tired of Murphy's curvaceous body, he gets her to call over some more large breasted women. The rest of the movie has the Devil Doll stalking the women one by one.

The Devil Doll's stalking leads to one long exploitation scene as each white girl gets to ride the Devil Doll's wooden pole. The Devil Doll likes to kill them first and then penetrate as quickly as he can. All of this delirious sleaze culminates with a prolonged love making session with the large breasted girl he chased out of the shower. She couldn't resist him any longer even with blood streaming down her face. That's the power of the Devil Doll.

"Black Devil Doll" is a fun, sleazy flick. It has plenty of naked women performing unspeakable acts on a black puppet. You don't get to see that kind of entertainment every day. It's worth a look.

One last thought, there was only one sleazy scene missing from this movie. Why wasn't there a three way scene? You could have had Heather gang up with one of her busty friends on the Devil Doll. Instant comedy. And instant lesbian gratification. Or you could have had a white devil doll come to life and join in the fun. Two puppets, one girl! See what this movie has done to me? When I close my eyes, I dream of puppet orgies. I'm not sure I mind either.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horny devil dolls

Saturday, January 30, 2010

"Bad Biology" review

Bad Biology (2008)

Director: Frank Henenlotter
Frank Henenlotter R.A. Thorburn

Charlee Danielson ... Jennifer
Anthony Sneed ... Batz
R.A. Thorburn ... Ex-Boyfriend (as R.A. The Rugged Man)
Ginger Starr ... Porn Model
Brittany Moyer... Vagina-Faced Model
Vicky Wiese... Hooker
Krista Ayne... Woman in Penthouse
Mar Sirivanh... Woman on Couch
Rachael Robbins... Woman in Kitchen (as Rachel Robbins)
Alicia Hastings... Woman in Closet
Jelena Jensen... Woman in Shower
Vladislav S.... Porn Model
Jzone... Dealer
Eleonore Hendricks... Crackwhore
Tina Krause... Herself
Carolyn Thompson... Vagina-Faced Model

A woman with seven clitorises is searching for the man who can satisfy her. On the other side of town, a man with a drug addicted super penis has to find a way to control his member. The woman's body is so advanced that after she has sex she gives birth to a mutated baby a couple of hours later. The man's super unit is so powerful that it can think for itself and will wander off in search of women on its own. These raging examples of bad biology must meet.

"Bad Biology" attempts to answer the age old question that keeps me up at night. How can mutated freaks of nature find love? As for seven clit Jennifer, she stalks the bars and clubs hoping someone can feed her vagina the loving it needs. Her accelerated baby production is an unfortunate side effect to her rabid love making but she doesn't let the mutants slow her down. As for 24 inch Batz, he is trying desperately to control his third leg before it winds up hurting someone. His python of love gives women unending orgasms. Jennifer needs orgasms to live. These two were made for each other.

"Bad Biology" also answers another important question. Namely, what kind of movie would director Frank Henenlotter want to make if he jumped back into the B-movie world? I now know the answer and can safely say that he is as much a freak as Jennifer and Batz. I always loved "Frankenhooker" and was hoping he'd come back for more blood, guts and sleaze. I was not disappointed.

You can take a quick look at the hilarious credits to get a general idea of where this movie is heading. You have Porn Model, Hooker, Crackwhore, Vagina-Faced model(!), and lots of "Woman" credits. Woman in closet, shower, kitchen, penthouse, etc. "Bad Biology" was filmed in NYC and feels like it was directed by a guy who spent a lot of time hanging out in Times Square in the 70's and 80's. Only an exploitation maniac could have made this movie.

Consequently, only exploitation horror fiends are going to enjoy this movie. It's amateurish acting and inept special effects only add to its sleazy charm. When the supreme penis detaches itself and goes on the hunt for love, its quest for naked women becomes a stellar B-movie moment. It all culminates when Jelena Jensen steps out of the shower and into the loving embrace of super penis. See a giant penis attack a topless Jelena! I was crying tears of joy.

"Bad Biology" is sleazy, nasty and completely ridiculous. Naturally, I enjoyed it. It will show you the lighter side of mutant sex. It has naked women, blood, guts and vagina faced models. And it also has plenty of orgasms both big and small. Mostly big. For what is the point of using your bad biology if you don't enjoy it?

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant orgasms

Friday, January 29, 2010

"The Telling" review

The Telling (2009)

Nicholas Carpenter
Joe Lessard

Holly Madison ... Stephanie
Christina Rosenberg ... Amber (as Lola La Belle)
Nicole Zeoli ... Roxy
Najarra Townsend ... Brianna
Angela Davies ... Brianna's Mom (as Angela Nicholas)
Wesley Stiller ... Greg
Alyssa Price ... Megan
Sara Jean Underwood ... Tracey
Christina Iannuzzi ... Brittney
Jessica Rizo ... Tiffany
Ashley Noel ... Brandi

A hot babe sorority is having an initiation night for some plain looking girls at the Mansion. Since they caused the death of an average, typical, bland looking girl last year by mocking her revolting normalcy, they had to make up for it by letting three mundane, ordinary, common women try to join their supermodel sorority. Instead of having the pledges take part in a mud wrestling contest, (like any good sorority should), they decide they want each of them to tell them a scary story. The first story concerns an evil female doll and the love triangle that evil female dolls inevitably create. The second story is about a Hollywood star who takes a job in Europe with some maniacal fiends. The last story tells the tale of good girls gone bad when they prank call a psycho killer.

Hey, I've got a fourth scary story for you. It's about a guy who rents a horror movie that's jammed pack with Playboy Bunnies, filmed at the Mansion and yet not one single bunny hops out of her clothes for the entire movie. AHHHHHHH!!! I'm shaking at the very thought of it. I sure hope that nightmare never comes true. Oh wait, it did. It was called "The Telling".

"The Telling" is a typical B-movie hustle. It promises you Holly Madison and Playboy bunnies and instead you get three lame stories that have nothing to do with Holly or her Madisons. All I wanted was for Holly Madison to run around the Playboy Mansion while some buxom Girl Next Door chased her around with an axe. Was I asking too much? Once again, the answer is yes.

As a horror movie, "The Telling" has no chance of being scary. Knowing that the real story is happening back at the Mansion, the pledges lame attempts at horror fall flat even before they start talking. The only story that had a chance of being interesting was the evil female doll tale. If that had gone in a sleazy direction, it might have captured my interest. But it was routine and tedious as were the other horror stories.

I just don't understand why B-movie filmmakers cannot embrace the art of exploitation. How can you have a room full of Playboy bunnies and not know what to do with them? What was the point of this movie if not to involve Holly Madison in the horror flick? It's as if the filmmakers had one night to film the bunnies and then Hefner kicked them out. Holly couldn't leave the Mansion so they had to film the rest of the movie around their all night session.

"The Telling" can be skipped. It serves no purpose. It's not scary and it certainly is not titillating. The best thing I can say about it is that at least its filmed competently. It doesn't drag too much so the movie doesn't linger long enough to hurt you. "The Telling" almost feels like a vanity project but I can't imagine whose vanity would actually need it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sorority playmates

Sunday, January 10, 2010

"Albino Farm" review

Albino Farm (2009)

Joe Anderson Sean McEwen
Joe Anderson Sean McEwen

Tammin Sursok ... Stacey
Chris Jericho ... Levi
Richard Christy ... Caleb
Duane Whitaker ... Jeremiah
Sunkrish Bala ... Sanjay
Nick Richey ... Brian
Alicia Lagano ... Melody
Kevin Spirtas ... Preacher
Christopher Michael White ... Jacob
Alex Neustaedter ... Samuel
Bianca Barnett ... Pig Bitch

A bunch of college students head out into the country to see how many rednecks they can deride before getting killed. The obnoxious leader of the group gets a tip about a local legend called the Albino Farm. He wants to check out this ghost story while the responsible girl in the group wants to stay far away from a farm that has Albinos. But because this is a horror movie they all eventually, (slowly, very slowly), end up at the farm. The legend turns out to be true as various freaks of nature attack them for no reason. Screams echo through the night as you bellow that you've wasted your time on another bland horror flick.

"Albino Farm" is an amazingly uninteresting movie. There's no glaring technical deficiency on display that would distract you from this exercise in hillbilly horror. But I wish there was because "Albino Farm" is severely lacking in entertainment value. It pummels you to death with every annoying horror movie cliche imaginable. From the clueless teens who can't wait to go into the spooky haunted house, to the creepy townsfolk scaring the teens, to the bored viewer watching this movie, it's all here.

If you've ever seen a hillbilly horror flick, you've seen a better movie than "Albino Farm". Everything happens exactly as you would expect. The teens drive into town, make fun of the hicks, sprint out to their early graves at the Albino Farm and the movie ends. There's not even any delirious exploitation scenes to praise. Couldn't we have had at least one freaky scene at the farm? "Albino Farm" is a waste of time. It can be skipped.

One last thought, there are actually two positive attributes to "Albino Farm" worth mentioning. The first one is its title. It's a good hillbilly horror title as it conjures up images of deformed freaks committing depraved acts at the farm. Well, at least it did for me. I felt there must have been something horrifying down on the Albino Farm. I was wrong.

The only other positive thing to say about "Albino Farm" is that it contains a spectacular credit for its main monster. "Pig Bitch". Pig Bitch, (Bianca Barnett), is the deranged beast who does most of the hunting and killing of obnoxious college students. Unfortunately most of the kill scenes were shot in almost complete darkness so it was hard to admire the Pig Bitch's work. The only thing that could have saved this movie is if they had changed the title to "Pig Bitch" and let the beast break away from the Albino Farm. She has too much blood lust to sit around waiting for fools to show up at the farm. Let the Pig Bitch run wild and we'll all be better for it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 pig bitches

Saturday, January 09, 2010

"Run! Bitch Run!" review

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Joseph Guzman Robert James Hayes II

Christina DeRosa ... Rebecca
Cheryl Lyone ... Catherine
Peter Tahoe ... Lobo
Johnny Winscher ... Clint
Ivet Corvea ... Marla
Mike Tursi ... Abe
Chenoa Mason ... Holly
Liz Porter ... Starla
Lori Soleil ... Nurse Betty

Catholic schoolgirls are going door to door selling bibles in a sleazy exploitation movie. Their pleated skirts don't stand a chance of surviving. It doesn't take long before they knock on the door of a violent drug dealer and interrupt his tranquil Addams family existence. They disturbed him just as he was dispatching one of his hookers to an early grave. This would have ruined his whole day but when you're a depraved drug dealing pimp, you tend to come up with creative ways to amuse yourself. A true predator needs to catch his prey so he decides to let Catherine, (Cheryl Lyone), run for it so he can rape her when he pounces on her. This level of misogynistic brutality has an adverse effect on the nice Catholic girl and turns her into a mute assassin bent on revenge. Let the exploitation movie homages run baby run.

"Run! Bitch Run!" is a calculated, deliberate attempt to make a retro exploitation movie. There is a 70's sleaze vibe that permeates every frame of this movie. The spirit of Quentin Tarantino hangs heavy over "Run! Bitch Run!". For that matter, the ghosts of exploitation movies past must have paid the director a visit in his dreams and told him to make this movie. "I Spit on Your Grave" and "They Call her One Eye" are two other "rape and revenge" flicks that will spring to your mind while watching Catherine get her revenge after she gets raped.

But when you hear "Grindhouse" music playing over most of the action scenes, you'll know that this movie was meant as a calling card for the filmmakers so that they could show their love for Tarantino, Rob Zombie and anyone else out there who has a fetish for 70's exploitation. "Run! Bitch Run!" feels like it was made to make the case that it should fill a slot in a possible "Grindhouse" sequel. I'm all for sleazy movies but we don't need to keep reaching back to the 70's to show us the way to exploit blood, sex and ultra violence. We've learned a lot from that golden age of exploitation but it's time to move on.

But since "Run! Bitch Run!" is overflowing with naked women, sordid violence and general miscreancy, I can forgive most of its flaws. Cheryl Lyone does a good job as the nice girl, (in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform with her hair in a bun selling bibles) who flips out into a cold blooded killer, (in a nurses uniform with her hair down selling death with a pump shotgun). Ivet Corvea is the crazed hooker who carries a lot of the exploitation scenes. I must also praise Ivet and her drug dealing girlfriend for their great make out scene. I was praying that the filmmakers wouldn't neglect the sheer beauty of watching two pretty girls kiss each other and they didn't let me down. There are a lot of other women who take the time to get into the swing of things and take their tops off as well.

So if you've seen all of the 70's "rape and revenge" flicks and need another fix, "Run! Bitch Run!" is worth a look. The filmmakers have done their homework and execute the 70's sleaze playbook step by step to make sure you get your fill of exploitation madness.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 nasty nurses - They call her Catherine

Sunday, January 03, 2010

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" review

Blood and Sex Nightmare (2008)

Joseph R. Kolbek
Joseph R. Kolbek

Julia Morizawa ... Amy (as Julia M. Morizawa)
Andy McGuinness ... Nick
Dan Petit ... Walter
Niki Rubin ... Girl with Pigtails (as Niki Notarile)
Lily St. Claire ... Girl in Intro (as Lilly St. Claire)
Laura Diozzi ... Girl at Campfire
Tina Krause ... Alicia

I was given this DVD as a Christmas present. When I went over to my friend's house in Pasadena to watch "Breaking Her Will", I received this thoughtful gift. It warms my heart to know that movies like "Blood and Sex Nightmare" seem like the perfect present for me. So I reciprocated his generosity by watching "Breaking Her Will" with him. He still hasn't recovered. I have hurt him once again.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is about blood and sex and a few nightmares. A couple decides to go to the most rundown, seedy looking adult retreat they can find. "Pleasure Mountain" looks like an abandoned summer camp that was left to rot. But pleasure is not to be found on this mountain as some random slasher is hiding in the woods ready to kill anyone who partakes in carnal delights. Amy, (Julia Morizawa), is having recurring nightmares of a blood soaked maniac stalking her. She's the only virgin on Pleasure Mountain so her chances of survival look promising. Anyone else who dares to rile up the slasher with their sexual hijinks will taste his blade right between their legs. Many sexual organs will be massacred before this vacation is over.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is a good example of a fun B-movie. It's cheap, shoddy, sleazy and downright entertaining. The title promises blood and sex and nightmares and it delivers on all three. There isn't a lot of wasted time in this movie as the couple hits the retreat fairly quickly so they can get the blood flowing. As Amy keeps rebuffing her boyfriends advances, we are treated to scene after scene of cheap depravity in the other cabins.

*GORE SPOILERS* One scene has a couple playing some light S&M, (naked woman tied to a chair), when the guy decides to chase off whoever is watching them outside. The mad slasher, (who apparently hates S&M), is waiting for him and proceeds to cut off the guy's penis so that he can teach him a lesson. He then takes the organ back inside to show the woman what she's missing. Another scene has the butcher interrupting a spanking session where some wholesome family role playing is going on. She was a bad girl and took her spanking from her "daddy". But the monster hates role playing too so she'll have to pay with blood to satisfy his desire for punishment. *END SPOILERS*

So with this much outrageous sleaze breaking out every ten minutes I can forgive the movie if it may be deficient in other areas. Acting, production values, special effects are all hovering at the usual rotgut B-movie level. But "Blood and Sex Nightmare" aims to please exploitation movie fans and in that respect it succeeds. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

One last thought, my only regret with "Blood and Sex Nightmare" is that Amy didn't turn into a sex freak at the end of the movie. I thought the ghost of Pleasure Mountain past would infest her mind with dreams of sexual excess but she stayed pure and fought temptation. I suppose only virgins survive horror movies. Amy must have figured that out too. Oh well. There was plenty of sleaze to go around even if Amy wanted to remain chaste amongst the freaks.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 spanked bad girls

Saturday, January 02, 2010

"Breaking Her Will" review

Breaking Her Will (2009)

Director: Bill Zebub

Bill Zebub
Jackie Stevens ..Tortured Girl

I was sent this DVD. There's nothing like opening a mysterious package and seeing "Breaking Her Will" staring back at you. Let's me know that people out there care. Fun Fact: Not only was I not expecting a DVD, I had never talked to anyone involved in this movie as to whether or not I wanted to review it. These things happen when you call yourself Dr. Gore. S&M movies just magically show up at your door. When the sleaze comes a-knocking, you have to let it in.

So I took my prized movie over to my friend's house in Pasadena. The cover of this DVD has a woman blindfolded and gagged. This type of quality cinema needed to be shared. I didn't really think my friend would enjoy it mind you. But I wanted him to feel the fury of an S&M movie from Clifton, New Jersey. You just don't get these sent to you every day.

"Breaking Her Will" is the tender love story between a man and his slave. Some nut picks up a hitchhiker, (Jackie Stevens), and proceeds to break her will. He goes through the S&M motions with her, (you know, like needles in her flesh, raping her with bottles and generally not being nice), to see how much she can take until she obeys his every command. When he gets bored with her he ties her down on a wooden post. Then he heads upstairs so he can masturbate to videos of naked women tied to crosses. Typical crucification fetish. All the real psychos get off on that. Soon his nonchalant attitude toward torture becomes infectious as I start to lose all interest in his nefarious plans for this beaten women. Wills are broken and no one seems to care.

"Breaking Her Will" comes to us from Bill Zebub. I had reviewed a movie of his awhile back, "Kill the Scream Queen", which was a pleasant romp involving scream queens and their horrible, blood soaked deaths. Zebub is a one man sleaze machine and proud of it. He has a hand in every aspect of his movies. From writing, directing, producing and mailing out copies to B-movie reviewers, Zebub handles it all.

So knowing that Zebub is the driving force behind every creative decision in his movies, I wonder why he felt he needed to make this movie. It's not sleazy enough to be an S&M movie and it's not interesting enough to be a solid B-flick. So what is it and why am I watching it? Does he get off on filming crucified women? Why is this a recurring theme in his movies? Is this a cry for help to stop him before he films more naked women on crosses? What can be done to satisfy his insatiable lust to make sleazy movies with crucified women? I don't have any answers to the Zebub conundrum.

On the plus side, Zebub is not afraid to be offensive and fills his movies with as much nudity and lecherous situations as possible. Jackie Stevens deserves praise for her rampant nudity on display in this movie. What a trooper she is. But "Breaking Her Will" left me bored. It moves at a slow pace and doesn't end up anywhere close to interesting. I was expecting to be shocked by this movie but ended up with as much apathy toward torture as the crucifix loving psycho.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 crucified women